My SECRET PLACE....

There's a place that I go deep inside my head that I only seem to go when I am hurt by someone.  I really don't even know where this place is per say.  I just know that I go there. It's a place where I disconnect, where its quiet, almost like I'm underwater and I can hear the sounds of voices, like "WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH" but I can't hear the words.  I can't understand what they're saying.  Why do I go there ONLY when I am hurt?   When did I find this place, how did I find this place, where is it? Is it my heart, is it my spirit? Is it another world?

As a child I used to daydream a lot, maybe this is the place of my day dreams?  Silence except for undistinguished sound is what this place is like.  It's not dark, I can still see where I am, I am full aware of everything that is going on around me but I cannot feel the emotion of my surrounding.  I cannot feel sadness, anger, rage, confusion, frustration, empathy, compassion, bitterness, joy, sorrow, forgiveness...I only feel NOTHING.  I like it when I feel nothing! I feel so deeply so it's a welcome change when I feel NOTHING. When I feel NOTHING I feel empowered.

The more I try to feel, the deeper I go.  The more that I just allow myself to feel NOTHING, the more that I begin to feel and come out of this darkness of my pain or fear.  It is when I go to this place, where I feel null and void of emotion that I want to be left alone.  It is in these moments where I am tending to my wounds no matter how superficial they may be to you.  In these moments I can repair myself more than your mere and meaningless words can do.  There's NO THING, NOTHING, N-O-T-H-I-N-G THAT anyone can say to me to make me come out of that place UNLESS I want to come out.  In that place I am safe.  In that place I have control, I have peace, I have no fear.

I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing...perhaps it just is what it is...sometimes I LOVE this place, because its my secret place and you don't know where it is, you don't know when I will go to this place, you cannot find me in this place, you cannot hurt me in this place or anger me or disappoint me in this place...YOU are NOT IN THIS PLACE only I am in this place.  And sometimes I wonder will I be left ALONE in this place? When I come back, will YOU BE GONE?